Living With A Dent......



This is a debut and re-post all in one!  I posted most of this entry on my blog entitled, The Cosmopolitian Springbok. Originally, that blog was dedicated to my hobby of running and the battles and successes I had with my natural hair.  I just passed my one year anniversary of the Big Chop, BTW!  Woo hoo!...I can officially report now that blog will be dedicated again to my running pursuits and my hair journey exclusively.  Check me out by clicking on the link above. 

I have decided to dedicate this new blog to the causes that I am most passionate about: women, children and marriage.  With that being said......Drum Roll, please!......Welcome to Dented Daughters!... A place where women wounded by fatherlessness can be strengthened, encouraged and motivated to move forward, even with a DENT!  D.E.N.T can stand for many things, as you will find out if you subscribe to this blog.  For this post, D.E.N.T will stand for: Daughters Entering New Territory!

For years I lived the dent created by the dysfunctional relationship with my dad.  I blamed him because I was bruised by his dysfunction and the dysfunction of my parent's marriage.  Now, while I do think parents are responsible for their children's emotional welfare, it was not until I was forced to look at my own issues, did I realize that I was the problem.  Yes, I experienced pain and hurt.  Yes, I was an innocent victim in my parent's dysfunctional relationship and subsequent divorce, but the problem was inside of me.  I allowed what happened to be the excuse and my justification for reacting in explosive and unhealthy ways to crises.  My father was a huge part of my life until about 12 years old.  It wasn't until years later after our reconciliation in my twenties, was I able to come to grips with the self inflicted damage I caused based on my fatherlessness.

Ponder the following: How many ladies reading this, didn't know their dads at all? How many know their dads, but didn't grow up with him in the home? Maybe he provided some financial backing occasionally, but not consistently? Maybe he passed away at an early age? What about those whose dad was in the home, but he was abusive; either used drugs or alcohol, was involved in extramarital affairs, was abusive physically, sexually or verbally to your mom, you or your siblings?  Maybe your dad lived in your home, but was emotionally distant? Maybe your dad lived in a separate home, but was as present as he could be? Surely, there are some reading who had or have healthy realtionships with their fathers, however....

"I propose to you that no matter what your relationship was with your dad, it heavily impacted who you are as a women. In fact, I propose that every relationship you are involved in has been impacted by the one you had or didn't have with your dad. "

Essentially, we base what we believe about ourselves on some level, on what our fathers believed about us.  If you were abandoned by your dad, then you could believe you are not worthy of love.  If you were rejected by him, then you could think there is nothing you can do to win love. If you were abused by him, then you could think everyone should be able to abuse you. If you were cursed by him, then you will essentially curse others. But if you were genuinely loved by him, then you are automatically equipped to genuinely love yourself. An earthly father's true love is an exact portrait of God's love for his children.

What do "good" earthly father's do? The best example I can share with you is the one that I witness on a daily basis. My husband exemplifies fatherhood with my princess or I should say his princess. He is not perfect with it, but he is perfecting his art by being caring, encouraging, loving, guiding and most importantly conscious of his own "daddy void," and how it impacted his life and in some ways molded him into the man that he is today.

1. We are unequipped to be effective as women because of  poor relationships with our fathers:

.Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 ESV)

Anger is either driven by or leads to fear. We become angry because we fear that we are not loved unconditionally. We are fearful because we are loved conditionally. Fear is then the driving force behind any personality trait or sin developed as a coping mechanism. The need to control and the anxiety that sets in when a young girl feels helpless aids her in developing unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to regain that control. The desires to control, blame, run, fantasize or people please are not sinful in and of themselves, however anything that is used to combat fear without the assistance of the Holy Spirit is bound to cause sin.

Often times, fatherless women were once girls who said, I didn't have my dad loving me, so no one loves me. I need a man to affirm me and I am afraid no one will, so I will make myself attractive to somebody, anybody in order to not feel afraid that I am not good enough for love. This is how unhealthy lifestyles in young girls manifest.  Surely I am not suggesting that every girl who makes life damaging choices has a daddy void. I realize that there are many roads that can lead down a path of demise. But I am suggesting that we look deeply into the lives of young ladies and pinpoint where destructive patterns were set up and determine if there is a link to an absent or dysfunctional dad relationship.

Take a moment and think about your relationship with your dad? Then think about your relationship with God? Are they similar? Do you trust God the same way you trust your earthly dad?  If this is true, then we become controlling and/or blaming; we set up unrealistic expectations for others, we avoid pertinent issues or we begin to people please instead of God please.

2. Recognition of being unequipped because of the daddy void is vital:

· One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner." And Jesus answering said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he answered, "Say it, Teacher." "A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon answered, "The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt." And he said to him, "You have judged rightly." Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." (Luke 7:36-48 ESV)

The lady in the the previous story was no less guilty of her sins than we are.  And yes, if you are using coping mechanisms such as controlling, blaming, running from situations, fantasizing about other situations or people pleasing to combat fear instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to administer grace unto you, you are in sin.  Guilty!  But, just like her, we have a Savior ready to accept the acknowledgement of our sin and move us to a place of righteousness.  That's shouting material!!

  

3.God has the ability to equip us regardless of our void:

· Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20, 21 ESV)

As women, we have to believe in the power of God to change our lives and our position in life  more than we believe in our own power to change our lives and positions.  Haven't you been doing it your way long enough?  And in the famous words of Dr. Phil,  "How's that working for you?"

4. He wants to equip us:

How does He want to do that? Well, it requires us to do something first. We have to make the decision to rest in Him and His word.  God waits for us.  He waits for us, so what are you waiting on?

· "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:25-33 ESV)

He equips us if we: A. Live in a state of forgiveness B. Love unconditionally  C.Seek Him relentlessly D. Allow our fruit to be eaten.

This is a continuous cycle.  Forgiveness needs to occur for yourself and others almost instantaneously.  You cannot move forward with the hurts of the past from your dad, from yourself and from others holding you back.  Conquer it! Bathe yourself in I Corinthians 13:1-10....its what many call the love chapter.  Devourer it!  Submerse yourself in His word regarding how to be a woman who walks in freedom.  Lastly, your daughter, your mother, somebody needs to see the fruit of your hard work and they need to eat it.  You don't get the benefits of fruit unless you eat it.  The people around you need to change too!  Not because you tell them but because you show them.

Side note: Stop blaming your mother for your daddy not being there!  She might have been key in his absence, she might have prevented it as a source of protection or she might not have had a valid reason at all.  But what does holding resentment toward her have to do with your growth and development as a daughter of the Most High?....Nothing!

5. Are you willing?

God's daily plea to us is to surrender and to seek Him.  Although its a quiet plea, rest assure, He wants you to be woman of noble character.  Yes you, with all of your flaws, imperfections and mistakes.  He makes beautiful things out of us!

· I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me (Proverbs 8:17 ESV)

· But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29 ESV)

· And the Lord your God will clear out those nations before you, little by little; you may not consume them quickly, lest the beasts of the field increase among you.  But the Lord your God will give them over to you and will confuse them with a might panic until they are destroyed (Deuteronomy 7:22, 23 AMP)

6. Give grace to others

If we are honest, we recognize that in some ways we have been punishing others to some degree for not being who we thought our fathers should have been.  Give them a break!

· If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. (1 Corinthians 13:4-10 MSG)

I believe despite our dents and flaws, we can make it!  My theme song this year has been, Beautiful Things by Nicole Binion.  Be encouraged to live life to the fullest; dent included!  Don't forget to subscribe!....

Until the next DENT......